Adult jokes
Adult jokes
Older lady and an Older gentleman
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to
thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share
the room with?"
adult jokes
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Virgin Bride
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
adult jokes
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Teacher Plays Animal Game
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your
mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"
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A Boy in Class
A boy in class draws a penis on the blackboard, the teacher sees it and rubs it off, then he draws a bigger penis and says 'remember, the more you rub it the bigger it gets'!
adult jokes
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Condom Factory
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside
The Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check
For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
adult jokes
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Why do girls have leg
Why do women have legs??
have ya seen the mess snails leave behind!!
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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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short jokes
The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to clearing.There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection. "What are youdoing?" the cowboy asks. The Indian answers, "Me tell time." "OK, if you are so good, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It's 2 o'clock." The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!" The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket. "Don't tell me ... you're telling time also?" The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time." "Okay smartass, what time is it?" The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It's 4 o'clock." The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. "Don't tell me you are telling time!?" Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and neverupset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when theyoung Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after makinglove and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothesand she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuseplease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
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ran towards the sign and paid their £5. The first man went in and after a few
minutes he came out with a huge smile on his face and the two men asked him what
had happened, he said that the woman inside put a pineapple ring around my cock
and slowly ate it off, wehey said the second man I'm up for that he went in and
came out again and had an even bigger smile on his face and they asked him what
had happened and he said she put a pineapple ring, and whipped cream on my cock
and licked it off. Then the third man went in in and thought its getting better
every time mine must be the best and he came out with a huge frown on his face
and they asked him what was the matter and he replied she put a huge pineapple
ring whipped cream and a cherry on my nob and bit the fucker off.
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1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not
standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT
puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it
through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school
girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my
Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell
me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be
repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're
good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
"kiss it good morning".
A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will
find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful
I'm not pulling
your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
way
to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need
all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get
the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee
it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on
your face, now will you?
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with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and
registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very
friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young
woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come
to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to
hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked
in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can
buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't
believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then
eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George,
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting
out the windows and doors.
The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty
eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place,
and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video.
I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."
"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be
guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help
his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the
dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."
The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary
into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and
white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
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his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told
them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't
get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.
So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and
prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was
the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her
dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I
am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like
that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all
day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad!
Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd
got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he
explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I
stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same
big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us
you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like
that---so I shoved it back in."
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When Bill Clinton completed 5 years of his
Presidency, he wanted a special
postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so
instructed Hillary, stressing that it should
be of international
quality. The stamps were duly
released and Clinton was pleased.
But within a few days of release of the stamp, he
began hearing complaints
that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he
became furious.
He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate
the matter. Hillary checked
the matter out at several post offices, and then
reported the problem to Clinton.
She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality
of the stamp. The problem is people are
spitting on the wrong side."
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corner. How can you tell
which one is the prostitute???
One has a little sticker that says IDAHO.
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I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that..
Section 1: In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01: And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff
like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a
cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2: I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the
bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex
scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault.
Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3: Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out,
I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan
yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01: I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity
in the bedroom.
Section 3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4: After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I
will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5: In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just
lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01: I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends
and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they
have to stay.
Section 5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in
order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake
of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month
pregnancy.
Section 5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact
that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04: I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and
will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends
or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
Section 6: I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer
games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I
will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're
in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01: With the exception of the following household items: iron,
washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage
can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
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them. Here are a few examples.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Shorty
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in
$20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL LOOKS
Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
=====
You're not sure of:
THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take off your clothes"
THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide"
THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says, "Do you want it teased or
blown"
THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or
the back"
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in,
you'll love it."
THE SHARE BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up,
fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again"
THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest"
THE HUNTER: because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots"
THE BELL TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like
it on the table or against the wall?"
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are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on
this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being
tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It
has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous
blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into
the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, stop now you've been
relieved."
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Rex had a theatrical streak in him, he would sit in
front of the TV. studying all the big old Hollywood
stars, then impersonate them in his own inimitable fashion.
His master cottoned on to this and turned it into a
game between himself and Rex. With Bill guessing whom
Rex was impersonating.
He would come home to find his talented pooch with a
couple of Banana's and a Grapefruit balanced on his head.
'Carmen Miranda' shouted Bill and the dog would bark and lick his face.
And another day Bill would come home to find Rex with
his Bowler hat nestled on his canine skull and a black
postage stamp stuck above his top lip.
'Charlie Chaplin' exclaimed Bill joyfully. Rex barked
and licked his face.
And this would go on day after day, to the delight
to the both of them.
One night a burglar broke into Bills home whilst Bill
and Rex slept. Rex always slept in the L-shaped bathroom
cos it was warm. The burglar in his nervous excitement
felt his bowels loosen up A shit was well and truly upon
its way. However rather than use the toilet bowl he
decided in true Burglar fashion to take a dump in the
bath. Something to do with inflicting as much humiliation
of the victim as possible. In all this time leaving the
light off, in case he drew unwanted attention to his
presence So our Burglar dropped his pants and off loaded
his crap into the bath.
Now dogs have a developed sense of smell and Rex was
no exception. The wafts of shit not having the benefit
of being neutralized by any submergence in water made
its way round the L-shape, to rouse Rex from his slumber.
Rex sniffed the air, got up on all fours and proceeded
to find the source of the whiff. As he spied the Burglar
he growled. The Burglar who was just pulling up his
pants, would have surely shit himself he hadn't just
all ready done so. He spun round to see just a pair
of eyes eerily glowing in the darkness. With all his
Street-wise fast thinking our Burglar picked up his
own turd from the bath, grabbed a can of shaving foam
from the side and lunged at the growling face in the
darkness smearing the excrement over Rex's eyes and
face and then spraying the shaving foam into
his mouth for good measure in one deft move. The distressed
mutt howled for all his worth. The Burglar by this time had
realized it wasn't very wise to stay around and
bounded out of the window. At that moment woken
by the commotion Bill walked in, switched on the
Bathroom light to find Rex's face smeared
completely with shit and foam oozing around his mouth.
'Ha ha, very good' beamed Bill 'Al Jolson'
Rex barked and tore Bills throat out!
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Prez asked her if she wanted to see his clock. She answered, "Sure, why
not." With that he drops his pants and exposes himself. The intern was so
shocked that she replied "That's not a clock, that's a cock."
The Prez turned around and said "It would be a clock if you put a face and
two hands on it."
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butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation:
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.
American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."
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nothing on except his Boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell
are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary Lou
was down on the farm and we started
a-cuddlin.' Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin' some
more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then
Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
So, I took off all my clothes except my boots.
Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay
and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!'...
I guess I'm the first one here."
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small cottage in south Kent, England. When they had both finished Rupert
turns to Ralph and says, " I'm just going to go and make us a cup of tea,
and then when I come back, I'll wank you off, okay?"
" Okay," says Ralph. "Don't you do it, or I'll be very angry and upset,"
says Rupert.
10 minutes later Rupert opens the bedroom door only to find cum all over
the bed, up the walls , on the carpet,.. every where. " I thought I told
you not to wank yourself off!" says Rupert. " I never, " says Ralph. "Well
what in gods name to do you call all this?" says Rupert..............
............" I farted, " replies Ralph.
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a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red
lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened he opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes
later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much
alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.
"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong---
how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis."
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New York City showed up.
Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door,
Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and
said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
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that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However,
when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the
room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked:
"Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners
hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to re-
vamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analy-sis,
they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84%
more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop fre-quency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can re-duce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-
hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind
me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one
in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was
rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while
my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that
there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I
asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his
voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm
I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the rest-
room." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the
tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without
touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"
"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it
out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his
voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
................................................................................................
butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation:
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.
American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."
................................................................................................
enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the
bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two
fingers...eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly
stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him
at the end of a bridge....."
................................................................................................
So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make
Adam a companion and that it
would be a woman. He said, "This
person will gather food for you, cook for
you, and when you discover clothing
she'll wash it for you. She will always
agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you
to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of them. She will not nag you
and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked," What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
................................................................................................
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed,
the husband who was a big burly man
tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on,"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and
don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family,"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right,
and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
................................................................................................
about his deplorable infidelity.
Suddenly the woman reaches over
and slices off the man's pecker.
Angrily the woman tosses the pecker
out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck
with his 10 year old daughter chatting
away beside him. All of the sudden,
the pecker smacks the pickup in the
windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks
her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?" Not
wanting to expose his 10 year old
daughter to sex at such a tender age,
the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on
her face, and after a minute she says
"Sure had a big dick!"
................................................................................................
mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few
nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming
out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it
is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and
down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says,
"Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to
get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get
all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says,
"Mom, you're wasting your time." "Because, once a
week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over
and blows daddy right back up!"
................................................................................................
of the final exam that
would be given the following
day. She told the class that there would be no
excuse for not showing
up, except for serious injury or
illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
sympathetically at the
student, shook her head, and
sweetly said, "Not an excuse.
You can write with your other hand.
................................................................................................
exclaiming," Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee
button that's come off of my fly?
I can't button me pants."
"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About five minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a
bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye
and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little
lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did
you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, and
she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
................................................................................................
have sinned with a young woman."
The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"
"No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies.
"Was it Rita Sanchez?"
"No, father, I can't tell you."
"Linda Torelli?"
"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any names."
With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him
penance.
On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who
asks him what happened.
The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and
three new leads"
................................................................................................
offices of the Chase Manhattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's
window, plunked down the bag, and said "I wish to make a deposit, but
beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank" The clerk was
about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick count showed
there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in cash in the sack!
Flabbergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's office
and explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it to her boss.
The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President's office and
introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy
sum, the President inquired
"Are you in the stock market?"
"No"
"Play the horses then...?"
"No,..... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people."
"I see." said the President.
"Yes", continued the old lady,...."As a matter of fact, I will wager you
$25,000 dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your balls will be
square!" Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the
President said "I'll have to take you up on that one!" He and the old lady
shook hands and parted company.
The President was very careful the rest of the day and did not go out that
evening to avoid risk. Next morning as he was showering, he checked
himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming!
At exactly 9 O'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's
office only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an
expensive suit. The woman explained, "This is Mr. Bartelby my attorney, I
always bring him along when dealing in large sums."
The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to tell you
this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000 richer!" The old lady
asked for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to
drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At
this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk
with vigor. "What's wrong with him !" asked the President.
"Oh him", said the woman, " I bet him $100,000 yesterday that by 915
tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!"
................................................................................................
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of
the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's
the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the
camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's
all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the
Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE
CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have
vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool
and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted
men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to
ride into town."
................................................................................................
semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave
him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then
he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern
education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program
here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him
in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him
into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way
through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results with this
program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals
to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to
get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets
home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor
read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all
excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to
him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I
got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin"
around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Oh, I hope you SHOT that lying dog!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
................................................................................................